Disclaimer: I’m not a trained mental health expert. So don’t shoot me if it doesn’t work for you.
How about a ‘minimal’ wedding?
For Indians (I’m generalizing here)- marriage has always been a raucous affair.
Though I’m noticing an inclination in next generation (especially in Bengali community) for a low-key wedding , the older lot (at large) still stuck into rut-
“If we don’t show-off in our offspring’s wedding, what will other’s say?”
Before my marriage actually took place, I was depressed.
If it was onto me, I would’ve married with my sleeping-suit on, signing on the dotted line while eating french-toast for breakfast with the free hand.
Sadly, not all was within my control as we know how many emotional strings wedding pulls, in this part of the world.
Anyway, to keep my sanity in check, I was adamant in 4 things –
i) I went to my wedding make-up free. Sorry “bridal make-up” YouToubers, you tried earnestly but still I failed to believe the BS –
“Every woman wants look her best on wedding day.”
ii) I trimmed down the invitees’ list mercilessly. At last, we ended up having 150 guests.
iii) There were no pre/ post/ candid wedding-photoshoots. Being in front of the camera makes me nervous and I didn’t want to torment my ‘already’ strained nerves.
iv) I requested my “then-boyfriend-now-husband” that I’ll not sit through the ceremony more than 1 hour.
Okay, it stretched to 1.5 hours but the man earned few brownie points for being in accordance with.
If you’re depressed and it’s not possible to delay the wedding further, tell your family that if they impose another shred of grandeur, you’d run away.
The last bit sometimes works, especially with Indian parents.
2. Open up to your spouse but keep expectations low
What I’ve learned (and I’m a hopeless learner) in this inconsequential journey of life is- binary is perplexing.
What if your spouse believes- 50 push-ups a day would keep depression at a bay?
It’s quite normal that s/he is a wonderful human being otherwise, but doesn’t include mental health in priority list.
If s/he is a sensitive human being, hopefully the atmosphere would be conducive for you to heal.
But in order to do that-
Try very hard not to marry an A**hole in the first place (which again quite a feat ). So good luck with that.
3. Practice self-care
The writing on the wall is clear for married Indian women (or maybe women worldwide)- the lion’s share of household chores would fall on their shoulders.
Well, a big F**k to that.
When you are suffering from depression and the first thing you do waking up each morning is to cry – household chores can go shag themselves.
I believe in following these self-care tips-
- share the to-do list with the person you’re sharing the roof over (especially, when you hate to bother over domestic-help, like me).
- The subtle changes a new lifestyle brings on can feel overwhelming to an ‘already ‘distressed mind.
Don’t forget your therapy for too long. I did, suffered and now I’m back on getting the help I need.
- Take each day at a time.
- Tune out all the “newly married” BS or you might end up feeling confused-
Why you’re still feeling like a crap while others gloating over their newly-changed relation status?
Ans: They might be better at camouflaging.
- Marriage is no cure for all. You’ll still feel depressed, overweight and an under-acheiver. And the journey is yours alone.
- Draw a boundary with both sets of parents. Parents, even with good-intention, can spoil the broth cooked by a newly-wed couple. Again in a clannish societal structure, that is a tough job to be done but not impossible.
- Keep writing your heart’s out.
But again, to do all the above-mentioned ones-